Good Weather Causing Trauma Across Ireland

 As temperatures soar and the sun blazes down across the country, there are signs of growing trauma among a population more used to driving rain, damp fog, and chilly winds. Reports are filtering in of people losing the run of themselves, showing far too much good cheer in these recessionary times, and even of some wearing short trousers and floral-pattern shirts.

“I sure hope this good weather doesn’t last long,” said one disgruntled citizen, hiding in the shade of her farmhouse and shielding her eyes against the unaccustomed glare of the bright sky. “My uncle is threatening to drive the Massey-Ferguson to the beach, my cousin has bought a trendy pair of sunglasses, and my nephew smiled for the first time in two years. It’s unseemly.”

Other reports are coming in across the country indicating mental disturbance: people buying sunscreen and plastic buckets and spades, eating ice cream in public, laughing loudly for no good reason, barbecuing without umbrellas, going hillwalking without bringing rain gear “just in case,” looking at convertibles in auto dealerships, and even of people being jocular with Fianna Fáil and Green Party candidates on their doorsteps.

“If this weather continues,” says one psychologist, who hasn’t seen a client since the good weather hit, “we could become a fit, suntanned, happy, content, well-adjusted set of people. It’s really disturbing. Luckily, however, there is rain forecast for Thursday.”

Religious Orders Detail Voluntary Contributions

Belts for charity?

Some of the Irish religious orders today have detailed possible voluntary contributions to victims of abuse. From rosary beads to belts, orders say they hope to make “a meaningful offering.” The Sisters of Mercy were first to make an announcement, offering to put items on eBay to raise cash.

“We have piles of rosary beads left over from the days that the girls were making them in our schools,” one sister said. “We believe they have great historical significance and hope they will sell briskly on eBay. In addition, we’d like to offer the Irish State one of our own, Sister Mary, who has been sitting up on the fourth floor, doing nothing useful, for the last 10 years. She’s a bit elderly, but she has a great sense of humour.”

The Christian Brothers, not to be outdone, have offered one of their housekeepers, at no charge, to help keep the Taoiseach’s office clean, a cook to keep him fed, and some old cassocks to clothe needy victims against the cold this winter. They also have a large surplus of belts, which they say are no longer of use to them. 

“Some say we are out of touch, but we pride ourselves in seeing what’s most needed. We think there are many people out there who could use a good belt,” they said. “We hope they come forward to claim one.”

Ticketmaster to Run Dole Offices?

 The Government is said to be in negotiations with Ticketmaster in a bid to outsource dole office operations. With mounting unemployment, lengthening queues, and social welfare offices under serious pressure, outsourcing dole payments could save the State €120 million per year as well as ease stress levels among civil servants.

“It’s an elegant solution in line with public/private partnership,” a Department of Finance official stated. “Not only could we save a huge amount of money, but it would take away the stigma of queueing. Passersby wouldn’t know if you were on line to pick up a welfare cheque or try to score some Electric Picnic tickets.”

Not everyone, however, is impressed. Concert goers have expressed worry that getting tickets to popular events could be made even more time consuming, while dole recipients worry about the inevitable handling charges as well as the temptation for some to blow the entire week’s welfare payment on front row tickets to see Leonard Cohen, which could lead to more financial hardship and increased depression.

Irish Pigs on Verge of Revolt

 Irish pigs are said to be on the verge of revolt with the announcement of a second swine flu confirmation in Ireland. Pig farmers and pork suppliers fear the worst as ripples of unrest sweep through Irish styes, and rasher lovers across the county are worried pork supplies could be at risk.

“My pigs haven’t been right since the radio in the barn covered the first case of swine flu,” said a farmer close to the DisPatch. “Mind you, they were already angry about the dioxins, but being blamed for a worldwide flu epidemic has made them really mad. I can’t enter the pens anymore for fear of being bumped, trodden or nipped. I’m dreading feeding them in the morning.”

A pig whisperer, brought in to try to mediate says it’s simply a matter of fairness and that the epithet “swine” is deeply hurtful to more sensitive beasts. Horses, cows, and sheep are treated with more respect, the pigs say, and only chickens have also been blamed for a flu outbreak, but the pigs claim chickens are feathery animals with very small brains. 

“It’s possible to work through this,” the whisperer said, “but it will take great care. They are emotionally scarred. Even whispering sets them on edge. I call on the government to rename the flu and to mount a campaign to bring a bit of pride and dignity back to Irish pigs.”

Accountability Ban Looking Likely

The Government and Catholic Church in Ireland have made a joint announcement today that they intend making the use of the words “accountability” and “accountable” illegal under the new Irish blasphemy law, and any journalists, bloggers, activists, victims, citizens or tourists who use those words, especially in relation to the government or the church will be liable to fines of up to €100,000 and even possible jail time.

“It’s a pesky word used by people trying to make us look bad,” said a source in the Vatican. “We wish we could implement the ban worldwide, but at least Ireland has always been wiling to do exactly what we want.”

Government sources say that healing could begin much quicker if people simply stopped thinking about the past and focused on the future and they say the new ban would help greatly in that process.

“Serious mistakes were made, with terrible consequences, but no one wants any more finger pointing or long, drawn out trials or tribunals. It only makes everything more awkward.”

Opposition leaders are said to be against the ban, at least until they take power, at which point they will probably support it.

Finally, although “accountant” and “accounting practises” were said to have also been considered for inclusion in the blasphemy bill, the financial lobby has managed to keep the words legal for the moment.

Dublin Developer in Leinster/Leicester Letter Swap?

A Dublin developer and rugby fan is said to be so intent on winning the Heineken Cup, that he has offered multiple UK and Irish properties and an “n” to Leicester Tigers in return for two of the letters of their name (“c” and “e”) and the cup itself, in the event that Leicester win.

“It’s a simple proposition,” he has said. “The two names are so similar, that if they win, we simply change our name to ‘Leicester’ and keep the cup. They can call themselves ‘Leinster Tigers.’ A new name might also help change the reputation we have of being South Dublin sissies.”

The Tigers, however, are said to be highly dismissive, even though in Scrabble, the letters “c” and “e” are worth only 3 and 1 respectively.

“It might be interesting if the real estate market hadn’t collapsed,” they said. “We have no intention of being saddled with worthless properties, which are probably worth less than the metal the cup is made of.”

Green Party: Cutting Bus Routes Good for Environment

Minister Gormley using alternative transport

As pressure grows around the country over the proposed cuts to Bus Éireann routes, the Green Party has denied that cutting public transportation is bad for the environment or contradicts their campaign promises. They say the media always tends to look on the downside and point out that tons of carbon emissions could be saved by taking dirty, fuel-inefficient buses off the roads. 

“People should look at it as a wonderful opportunity to use alternative transport,” said one Green Party member. “Some of the bus routes to be axed are in the most picturesque parts of the country. Take the Cong to Galway route – tourists from all over the world marvel at the scenic beauty of that stretch, and we are asking locals to marvel as well as they walk, cycle, or sail instead of bouncing along in a bus.”

When asked whether displaced bus passengers would drive instead, increasing traffic and pollution, the member shook her head, saying the question showed a complete lack of understanding of the typical bus passenger. 

“These people don’t tend to have cars,” she said. “They’re likely to be unemployed, elderly, or penniless students, and they are the very people who would benefit most from fresh Irish air and a bit of exercise. It’s part of the win-win beauty of these cutbacks – not only will we reduce our carbon emissions, but we’ll have a healthier population. I might also suggest they meditate on the colour green while walking or cycling, breathing deeply and saying “ohm.” It will help bring down their stress levels if they are in a rush, improve their mental health, and it might even help us at the polls.”

Government Calls Commons’ Speaker “Weak, Spineless”

Commons Speaker Martin

Irish Government ministers today mocked House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin, for tendering his resignation over the minister expense scandals. Government sources also expressed concern that people might confuse the British Speaker with the Irish Minister for Foreign Affairs of the same name, bringing disrepute upon Dr. Martin, who has said he would never resign under any circumstances and would have to be “dragged out of office kicking and screaming.”

“To resign because of a financial scandal is just silly,” a source near the government said. “Look at the scandals that our own politicians have withstood, and none of them would dream of giving up either their jobs or their expenses. Our British neighbours clearly have no stomach for a fight, or else their electorate is much more demanding.”

“I think this sets a very bad precedent,” said another source. “One would have ask, what next? Would one have to resign for taking illegal campaign contributions, for reneging on campaign promises, for suitcases of cash being passed around constituency offices, or for making a complete bollocks of the economy? Who would be left in government?”

Oat and Hay Farmers Buoyed By Folklore Announcement

After a tough year of bad weather, falling milk prices and cuts in subsidies, today there was finally some good news for farmers, at least those with oat and hay crops. The Department of Folklore at UCD has released the following statement: “Rain and wind in May, fills the barn with oats and hay.”

The IFA, while cautiously optimistic that we might have a fine summer, has issued a warning to farmers not to switch all their acreage to oat and hay in case the market and the fields become flooded later in the season. They also caution farmers not to keep all their oats all in one basket and to make hay while the sun shines. Finally, they say a recession is not the time to be spreading oats of the wild variety.

When asked by the DisPatch, a local farmer has said UCD aren’t the only ones predicting a good summer.

“The old fellas tell me the omens are very good for a sunny summer,” he said. “The water is high in the wells, the grass is growing rapidly, and a bluetit feather has been spotted in the ditch. Besides that, the government is in trouble. Let’s not forget they were in opposition for that beautiful summer of 1996.”

There is always hope.

George Lee in Camera Row

George Lee, Posing.

A major split is emerging within Fine Gael, the DisPatch has learned, over allegations that George Lee is demanding special treatment. Certain party stalwarts are also furious that former broadcaster is “hogging the limelight.”

According to inside and outside sources, the trouble started when the Dáil Éireann hopeful demanded his own Dáil television camera, pointed exclusively at him, should he be elected. He is also said to have requested the services of a makeup artist and hair stylist for each sitting of the house.

“There’s more to being a TD than looking good for television,” one long-standing party member grumbled. “Would Michael Collins have worn makeup? I think not.”

Others, however, are said to admire his media savvy, and say the Dáil would be a better place with him in the spotlights. Besides live webcasts, they see an opening for his old employer.

“Maybe RTE could add another channel, a 24 hour George Lee station, so that the legions of his fans around the country could keep up with his good work.”