Exit Poll Revealed

 Voting behaviour is always a great item of discussion on polling days, and rather than speculate, the Irish DisPatch conducted an exit poll outside the DisPatch’s local voting station. Even though the reporter had slept in, missed breakfast, was in a hurry to get a bit of lunch and so queried only 10 voters, the results were quite telling.

Here is how voters made their decision on the day:

• Voted for their cousin: 10%
• Voted for anyone except “those idiots” in government: 40%
• Thought ballot paper was colouring pad and so drew a little doggie in the box: 10%
• Voted for that handsome, polite boy who came around in the hope he’d call around again for tea and freshly baked biscuits: 20%
• Told reporter to feck off: 20%

Angry German Tourists Cutting Irish Holidays Short

 As the heatwave continues across Ireland, German tourists are cutting their Irish holidays short and leaving Ireland disgusted, sources within the tourism industry report. Claiming they have been sold a false bill of goods, many are even demanding refunds from their package tours.

“We came to Ireland for freckled, red-haired people with pale skin and for a nice rainy climate,” one Bavarian said, before climbing onto his bus for an early return to the continent. “If we had wanted to see blue skies and Irish people with sunburned faces, we would have gone to Lanzarote. This is not the Ireland of the brochure.”

“I haven’t seen a single person wearing a peaked cap,” said a Hamburger, the frustration evident in her voice, “and I haven’t been kissed by the Irish rain. The farmers are not wearing tweed jackets due to the heat, and it’s too warm to pull on the Aran jumper I bought at the airport upon arrival. I want my money back.”

The bus driver said his company stood to lose thousands of euros if he couldn’t find a way to keep his customers happy. 

“I guess I’ll take them to Italy,” he said. “I hear there is rain there.”

Good Weather Causing Trauma Across Ireland

 As temperatures soar and the sun blazes down across the country, there are signs of growing trauma among a population more used to driving rain, damp fog, and chilly winds. Reports are filtering in of people losing the run of themselves, showing far too much good cheer in these recessionary times, and even of some wearing short trousers and floral-pattern shirts.

“I sure hope this good weather doesn’t last long,” said one disgruntled citizen, hiding in the shade of her farmhouse and shielding her eyes against the unaccustomed glare of the bright sky. “My uncle is threatening to drive the Massey-Ferguson to the beach, my cousin has bought a trendy pair of sunglasses, and my nephew smiled for the first time in two years. It’s unseemly.”

Other reports are coming in across the country indicating mental disturbance: people buying sunscreen and plastic buckets and spades, eating ice cream in public, laughing loudly for no good reason, barbecuing without umbrellas, going hillwalking without bringing rain gear “just in case,” looking at convertibles in auto dealerships, and even of people being jocular with Fianna Fáil and Green Party candidates on their doorsteps.

“If this weather continues,” says one psychologist, who hasn’t seen a client since the good weather hit, “we could become a fit, suntanned, happy, content, well-adjusted set of people. It’s really disturbing. Luckily, however, there is rain forecast for Thursday.”